Giving up control ~

As the mother of a child with Autism, I was constantly worried about so much in our life a great deal of time during those early years.
Was I making all of the correct decisions for our son and our family?
Was there another therapy we should try?
Can we afford another therapy?
Would he ever speak to me? Would he ever be able to say “I love you mommy”?
Will I be able to rest anytime soon?
What can I do, what is humanly possible to make Connor ‘typical’?
How can I CHANGE him so society will accept and embrace him?
All of these and many more were valid concerns, all well-meaning and with the best intentions. We all want the best for our children. Right?

The paradigm shift in my life occurred when I realized as I worried about him, as I felt guilty, as I viewed life from the perspective of how others viewed my life, caring more about what they thought than how I felt, I understood, as well-meaning as my intentions were, I could not love my son and still hold guilt in my heart. Of course I LOVED him, anyone who witnessed my every move would recognize my love and devotion to this child, but as I understood having worry, anger, frustration, fear or any negative emotion was in my heart……left no room for loving my son fully and completely.
I came to a point within my life when I had to give up control, if I did not, I was not certain I could survive living life and I SO wanted to live life to the fullest, in the most passionate way of BEing. I wanted to love our son fully and completely, which meant I had to remove any negative emotion within my heart.
Those in religious settings call it faith and surrender and I did just that, I handed everything over to God. As I let go of fear, worry, anger, doubt, blame and I am certain many more feelings, all of them negative……I saw the perfection of my son as he stood before me. I saw him as whole and perfect just as he was, I saw the perfection of his being and that is when I knew, I remembered, God makes no mistakes, nothing went wrong. I began to know with everything that I am, none of us come forth without knowing fully the life we are coming into. Choosing our parents, our bodies and even the challenges we experience in our physical life, knowing it isn’t what happens to us, it is the choices we make while in our physical bodies that create more and more delicious life experiences or not.
When I gave up control over everything else, when I gave up worry, when I gave up trying to make our son change who he was………I learned how to love myself, my son, my life and everyone who came my way without my own preconceived notions of what it all should look like.
My life began to flow with more ease and Connor, our precious Connor ‘felt’ my releasing of control over him and began to thrive, his words began to flow, the discomfort he had been mirroring from me began to cease almost immediately.When we experience any negative emotion, our children reflect it back to us beautifully which lets us know where our thought patterns are. If your child is having a difficult time, ask yourself what information the environment is giving him, did someone enter the room who is experiencing negative emotion?

You stand at a choice point in your now experience. You can choose to feel wonderful and thrive or you can choose to feel beaten down, to feel sorry for yourself and your child, life will continue to move forward……sit with that for just a little while. The answers are always within, always ~


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