What if nothing went wrong?

For quite a while after Connor had received the diagnosis of autism, I stumbled around in negative emotions such as grief, despair, anger, more despair and disbelief. It felt at that time, my fairy tale life I had dreamed of and been living was over. I had everything I desired, I was a stay at home mom, married to a wonderful man, living in a lovely area and life was going really good. The diagnosis felt like it came out of no where and it was so completely unwanted in every way, shape and form. I was searching for relief from my discomfort, I felt as though someone was smothering me with a pillow and I could not imagine living life in this way. The taboo momentary thought of taking my own life gave me the feeling of relief I had been looking for until my very next thought of leaving my husband and children behind, snapped me back into the desire to continue living this life experience no matter what, even with a child diagnosed with autism.

I then added searching for other parents who had been where I was and overcome their own feeling of anger and despair and found hope and maybe, just maybe they found a way to live a happy life? I went to meetings, made phone calls, searched the internet for groups and could not find the hope I was reaching for. Something within me knew this would never do, I knew if I could not find anyone who could offer hope, if they had not found it, if those other dear, well-meaning parents were satisfied or comfortable being in a place of discomfort rather than finding a way of moving through it, I would have to find the way.

It became my quest to feel better no matter what. I wanted to feel better whether Connor was cured from what I saw as a disorder, a disability or not. I knew with everything that I am, if I could not find anyone who had done it, who had overcome their own discomfort, I would be the one to find it for myself and I did.

I began to ponder the idea…….Maybe nothing went wrong, maybe everything has gone right, in simply shifting my thought from blame that someone or something had caused a so-called disorder or disability to occur within this brilliant, precious, perfectly healthy child, I opened a window of possibility I could never have imagined. As I began to ponder, feel and then know this child came forth specifically to live a different life experience and that it was not wrong but right, my world began to open up. Not only did I begin to feel better, to feel as though I could breathe easier, as I began to release resistance and felt better, Connor began to feel my ease, he began to sense a difference within me and began to thrive in a way I could never have imagined, a way therapy could never have done and in a way I had to witness to believe. I recognized how much we mirrored one another, when I was all balled up in negative emotion, he had more difficult days, as I began to feel ease within my own being, he began to embody ease, flow and contentment. The shift I was looking for was within me, I was holding the key all the time. No one else showed me, I showed myself, I stumbled upon this awareness on my own and you can too. Does that mean Connor is cured? How can he be cured if nothing went wrong to begin with? Does that mean we never have bad days? Nope, we are beautiful human beings and we experience ups and downs simply as a by-product of being human but now I know, we have the ability within each of us to choose ease and flow.


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