Your Authenticity

Most everyone I know has the desire to be authentic or real, not false in who they are, being false does not feel good within. When I became a parent for the first time, I had a sense within me, a desire to be a better person, to set an example for my children. I understood my children did not just hear my words but would be watching my actions more than anything. Something interesting began to happen in my awareness of this, I began to understand I acted a certain way for approval from others while there were things I may not have done or wanted to do for myself had I not been seeking approval outside of myself. There was an awareness within me that I was splitting my energy. Saying and doing one thing while thinking another way. I did well, or so I thought, being a good wife and mother, daughter, friend, neighbor but the more I did to outwardly seek approval of others, more resentment began to build within me, pleasing others, yes the ‘people pleaser’ even if it meant doing what I did not want to do just so everyone else was happy or would think highly of me.

This was an awareness within me I could sense was not serving me well, my physical body was sick more often than it once was more frequently, I would still forge ahead, thinking this is what I must do, I have to do. I am a believer in God or the Universe, whomever you have a belief in, giving you messages or signs as guidance within your life. If you do not get the message, don’t worry, the message will get bigger, if you still do not head the message, it will get bigger. It seems as though by the time Connor, our third and last child was born, I had not listened within to my authentic self, my inner guidance within, my emotional guidance system, I was still doing for others without taking time for Tracie to my own detriment, my physical body was showing signs of resistance. Connor’s diagnosis of autism and me being ripe for depression collided right around the same time. While I am uncertain how all of this occurred on a divine level, I am positive this was one of those messages for me to begin to listen within, to begin to take care of Tracie. This would prove to be an even greater challenge since I now had/have a child with special needs.

What has been the most profound lesson Connor has taught me is, he doesn’t just care that I am aware of how I am feeling, he cares more that I know how I am feeling. When I am aware and know how I am feeling, I am then able to reach for better and better feeling thoughts which is exactly what our emotional guidance system is for. When we are feeling bad or any negative emotion, it doesn’t matter what you call it, as you reach for better and better feeling thoughts, you find relief. The more I became aware of this, the better I felt, the better I felt, the more Connor would mirror my emotions in a way that felt better all the way around, for example, his behaviors were not directly related to how I was feeling. It has been an interesting dance for us as he would become more agitated, the more behaviors he would exhibit as I was becoming more out of balance in my own state of being. Now, a decade later when Connor has a difficult moment in time, I have become so practiced at listening within, I can feel my entire body shift into calm, neutral mode, rather than becoming agitated which simply adds negative energy to his experience. I am so enjoying all this child teaches me about becoming authentic within, for myself and no one else, because feeling good within, allows me to give more to those I love, authentically. I am no longer serving everyone else before I am feeling fulfilled within. Our children are teaching all of us how to be authentic from within, not on the surface but where it truly matters, deep within ourselves. What a gift for all.

With great love and appreciation,

Tracie

 

 

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