Connor must have an ‘easy’ form of Autism, right?

Over the past decade, I have done a lot of inner work, not for Connor but for me. It wasn’t my original intention but it was very obvious, all of the therapies, the hours and hours of research, sleepless nights, worrying, driving to and from doctors, spending money on therapies outside of the district and healthcare in the hope of helping our child, our beautiful little boy, chasing my tail, was in my face, not working! What choice did I have but to do the only thing I had full control over, Tracie. What I have found personally is, the more I released anger, hate, wrong doing, sadness, depression, the more I gave up trying to defend. The more I stopped condemning everyone and everything else that may or may not have caused autism to come into our life, when I gave up fighting to make it right in the outside world, an amazing thing happened, as I let go of my own discomfort, not only did I feel better within, Connor began to feel peace and calm as well. Over the past decade, we have fine-tuned this way of being and it is working for our family. It is now my passion, my love, my strong desire to express to as many parents that are asking, to let them know, a calm, blissful way of being, living is absolutely possible, if you are willing to let go of your great discomfort in all of this, just a little bit.

Many parents who do not know much about our story or have just heard snippets of what I speak and write automatically assume Connor never had/has behavioral issues, Connor must be a naturally calm child, no yelling, no tantrums, no angry outbursts, no embarrassing moments, etc. Connor must have an ‘easy’ form of autism, that is why it is easy for you to embrace autism, to call it Awetism, to think of awetism as a gift, to be so positive? Not even close!  We had ALL of those negative behaviors and so many, many more. Life was not even comfortable in our own home, what is supposed to be your safe haven. When I think of what life was once like, it is easy to see why for a moment in time, a split second, I reached for the relief of taking my own life. Thoughts of wishing autism did not exist, wishing we had not had a third child. What kind of mother wishes her child did not exist? Add guilt to my plate with all of the other negative emotions, isn’t it right one would hate this blasted disability called autism? This was not acceptable to me, I could not live my life with hate, anger, sadness or any other negative emotion in my heart. It wasn’t who I am, it did not feel good and I knew I would not live my life in this way. It was a decision I had to embrace fully and that is exactly what I have done.

I knew I could not fully love this child unconditionally and hate a small portion of who he is. I could not love this child unconditionally and hate others at the same time. I recognized, in order to love my Connor unconditionally, I would not need him to change in order for me to feel better. It has become my intention to love unconditionally, which means when I observe anything that is not pleasing to me, when I see something I do not like, when anything comes up like a tantrum, which occasionally comes about, he is beautifully human, I look toward the solution. I look for things to appreciate, I look for anything that is pleasing to my heart, that makes me happy. As I do this, as I become solution oriented, I have the absolute pleasure of witnessing more wonderful things within my life experience. Another wonderful perk is, this way of BEing works in all things within my life. The more I appreciate, the more I am shown to appreciate, the better I feel, the better I feel, the happier I am and if and when Connor has a difficult moment, I shift into calm, neutral mode, which does not add more negative energy to his discomfort. By not adding more fuel to the fire, he is able to de-escalate with greater ease. We can ALL do this in all areas of our lives. All that is needed is the intention to do so and practice.

Life can be really, really good, with or without Awetism, with or without any diagnosis or problem within our lives as we become solution oriented and look for all we can to appreciate.

With great love and appreciation for all things in life, the discomfort and the sweetness that comes from looking toward the solution,

Tracie

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1 Comment

  1. Tracy

    Oh my goodness,,you just told my story.. Except eloquently. Lol I can’t believe that you’re post from yesterday influenced me to bring my feelings to the suface and share about them honestly with you. It had to be a power greater then myself to arrange such a divine intervention.

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