I admit I took it personally and ‘reacted’ when our Connor had a tantrum in his early days of autism. The reason I was reacting had everything to do with being trained early on in life to observe my life through the eyes of others and how others ‘see’ me, will they think I am a bad mother, are they talking about me behind my back, will they tell others Tracie does not know how to handle her child? I remember being happy when Connor had a tantrum while my other two children were with us, this way strangers or those we knew who may run into us out in public could see how respectful and polite my eldest two children were, not like the ‘naughty, loud, rebel’ Connor was. It sounds so silly to me now but I had been conditioned over time to be more concerned with how other people saw me, what others thought about me and my family than how I felt from within, giving away my own power. As long as everything ‘looked’ perfect, it did not matter what was going on just under the surface, the perfect recipe for depression and it played out BIG time! The more I tried to control everything including this child who knew with everything he is, he is not meant to be controlled, none of us are, the more he rebelled and the bigger his tantrum became, the more life seemed to spin out of control and depression set in.
Connor’s first teacher was wonderful, she understood how to respond to Connor and did her best to teach me. “Calm and neutral Tracie, calm and neutral.” When nothing else worked, purely out of desperation I began to learn it was not about me. This child was teaching me how to be authentic, how to focus on being mindful, in the moment and finally how to ‘not give a rip’ what other people think about me or anything. What I do or don’t do is no one elses business. A big lesson to learn, one I am still fine-tuning to this day but well worth it because of the peace I feel within.
It truly is about the journey of self-discovery for ourselves and our children and I am amazed it was our youngest child who is teaching me this lesson of authenticity. As I have understood his lesson, my world began to open up and the less I cared what others thought or think, the more ease and grace filled my days. Now, my intention, my focus is to follow my own bliss, become mindful within, how I feel on the inside now matches what I express on the outside and I have never felt more in-tune with life, with self, with my love, with my family, with my bliss.
YOU are the one who is most ‘in-tune’ with your child, lead each other.
Tracie ~ ♥