Those Old Feelings ~
We recently spent the birthday of our middle child at Disneyland, we go often, we have annual passes and use these as a treat for our family to relax and ‘in-joy’ each other. We often follow Connor’s lead so he feels he has control over things within his life and it creates ease within the day. Since we were heading to Disneyland for our eldest son’s birthday, I prepared Connor by letting him know it was Chance’s day and we would go on the rides Chance desired and followed his lead. Connor was well prepared for this and compliant all day. As we prepared to leave, Chance decided he did not want to go on the last ride we had planned which created great discomfort within Connor. Chance being the sweet soul he is, seeing Connor’s discomfort wanted to create ease for all of us, stating we could just go on the last ride but we felt it was important not to acquiesce to Connor just because he may throw a fit or create noise. We had a wonderful day full of ease and I felt it was important to continue the integrity of the day without acquiescing to Connor.
Just like the feeling of riding a roller coaster, I could feel the wave of discomfort swelling, I could feel the energy shift from ease to uncertainty. Connor began to raise his voice, he threatened to run away and a barrage of things he does and says to try to get his point across that he is angry, unhappy and everyone will know about it. I could feel those old feelings rising within me, embarrassment, anger and the feeling of wanting to leave the happiest place on earth as quickly as possible. Our happy day was ending on discomfort. I decided I would take Connor back to the car alone while the rest of the family lingered in the shops on Main Street.
On the tram ride back to the parking structure all was quiet and although it was only a few minutes, I went through what felt like a lifetime of scenarios. I tried on the feeling of why me? Why must I have a child with a disability? I actually smiled because I now know too much. That statement felt completely bogus to me and no longer fit the woman, human being, spiritual being I have become. It is an old feeling/statement that was still in the structure of my mind but the emotional charge has completely fallen away. It no longer fits, it is no longer valid and it does not ring true within me.
How often do we continue to make statements within our daily lives that are no longer valid within our life experience but we continue to perpetuate them simply because it is what we have done, said or thought before? As I went through the past half hour of our day in comparison to the past 12 hours, it was nothing. So I asked myself, which one will I continue to lament…..perpetuate? The answer was easy, I would focus upon the beautiful day, the joy-filled celebration of our 15-year-old son which would continue into the evening with presents and cake.
By the time the tram ride ended which is mere minutes, I had completely diffused the explosive situation that occurred moments ago, but how did I do this? Connor walked back to the car with me, calmly, quietly and it was as if he had completely forgotten his great discomfort moments ago. This was not my intention as I pondered things, ‘tried on’ old scenarios that were no longer valid, my intention was to ‘feel’ better, not for Connor’s sake but for my own. As a result, Connor reflected my calm mood and that short period of time was not spoken of the rest of the evening. This is another perfect example of how we are moving into a time of living in the moment. Rather than focusing on the past that is filled with fear, discomfort or scenarios that no longer fit or serve us or worrying about what might happen in the future, it is time to become mindful of living in the NOW.
My LOVE and appreciating mindful awareness more than ever, Tracie