Learning Stillness ~
Our youngest son Connor was diagnosed with autism in 2001, had a tree he adored in our neighbors yard. For months when he was a little guy, he would get off of his bus after school and want to linger under this tree. In all honesty at that time, it drove me crazy. I was a busy mom of three and I felt I did not have time to stand under a tree in the front yard of our neighbors home! I had to help our older children with homework, start dinner, do laundry, my list was big, didn’t he know this?
I was so tired of struggle, in the midst of severe depression, feeling smothered by life and this little guy was standing firm in his desire to linger under this damn tree! Yes there were times I picked him up and carried him into the house, kicking and screaming, yet again, more struggle. I recognized this would not work long-term because one day he would be bigger than me, then what would I do?
Searching, searching, searching within to find an alternative to the struggle that was overpowering within my life, I decided (out of sheer exhaustion) to let it go, to release it, to surrender! I figured if I had to linger under this tree with this strong-willed child, I may as well enjoy myself. “When did we get so turned around that it is a struggle to actually enjoy ourselves?”
As I spent time under this tree I found something beautiful, a clarity I had never defined in my life thus far. The warmth of the sun as it peered through the branches, the breeze that swept over me which allowed the branches and leaves to sway, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sweetness of pink jasmine in bloom wafting through the air, the silence, the calm, the contentment I found within during that time under the tree…..releasing of struggle and negative emotion I was gripping. As I released this discomfort I could feel fresh air filling my lungs and the powerful soothing that was taking place within as I released struggle, allowing well-being to rise to the surface. Recognizing this new-found well-being was always flowing towards me and through me but in my negative emotion I was pinching it off, I was not allowing it to BE within me which is why it felt like such struggle……. Allowing what felt natural, my birthright as I released my hold on what I thought I was supposed to be doing rather than allowing myself to BE in the moment~
My little boy was/is a little master, teaching his mother and anyone willing to tune, listen and allow his lessons to flourish within the mind, how to BE in the moment, teaching me the beauty of stillness and the abundances of well-being that is innate within all of us but we have forgotten. He was teaching me with his silence….I am listening ~ ♥