Lost at sea?
I was guiding another parent of a child with autism, she wanted clarity on how to stop her son from creating chaos. As she spoke of the difficult time he was having, I kept redirecting her back to how she was feeling in the moment but she could not hear me as her emotions began to escalate. I could see her leaving the now moment we were in during our conversation, going back to that moment her son had his recent tantrum.
She kept speaking about what he was doing, how long he was tantruming, why he could not let it go?
Very calmly I asked her once again, “What were you feeling while he was doing this?”
She took a moment and replied, “I felt so much frustration, so much anger that he/we had to live with autism, I fell to my knees and began sobbing…….”
I understand why she could not hear my question, she was focused upon her son’s emotions, she was viewing this from a perspective of needing him to stop doing what he was doing so she could feel better. From my perspective, it was the perfect demonstration of how focused we can become in the moment, focused so predominantly on the moment (negative emotion) we want to change, which did not serve her or her son, she could not be the calm in his storm because she too was lost at sea in that moment.
This is not about blame at all; it is about awareness, becoming mindful of how much we co-create life together. It is about understanding, awareness, the recognition, we have no control over another or how another acts or responds but, we do have control over how we respond/react and it will take practice.
I fully came into the awareness when Connor was having a meltdown, I could not help him in any way if I too was having a meltdown in that moment. I had to detach myself from his tantrum, with plenty of practice I assure you, then, I could become calm and neutral which allowed him that space he needed in that moment to move through his discomfort.
When Connor felt such great discomfort, I began to recognize I HAD to find that calm space within myself or neither one of us could bounce back quickly. This was just as much about me becoming mindful about where I stood emotionally as it was about Connor.
We are so closely intertwined together in our love, our relationship, our energy, our vibration, two of us out of control created more chaos. When I felt/feel calm, I had/have the ability to soothe Connor. It truly is a gift I learned from my interactions with Connor which carries over into my daily life. Does that mean now that I know this, everything goes perfectly all the time? No, we are beautifully human and these experiences show up just by living life but, now I know how to gain control of my own emotions and once I do that, this allows the space for Connor to learn to control his emotions.
And my parent friend? She and her son are doing a wonderful job finding their way together and it truly makes my heart smile at her awareness of her role in their interactions.
My love, Tracie