I AM who I was looking for!
After the birth of our third child, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, when Connor turned 2, he diagnosed with autism. I went from depression into despair and life no longer seemed to be the place I wished being. The threat of eternal damnation according to the religion of my youth, wasn’t enough to keep me from pondering how I could break free from the suffocation I was feeling. It was the love I have for my husband and children that kept me from making the decision to end my life. By all accounts I should have been happy, I have a wonderful husband and three incredible children, I was a stay at home mom, doing and being what I had always desired. So why wasn’t I happy?
Since I made the decision to continue living after contemplating death as briefly as it was, I made a pact with myself, I was not about to live a life of sadness, depression, despair, feeling victimized or woe, is me. I knew I would have to find a different way of living, a different way of being.
This began a journey of looking for someone to teach me how to be happy AND a fellow parent who had been where I was, depressed finding herself with a child diagnosed with autism. I would find someone, a guru who found their way and they could tell me how to feel better, how to be happy, how to be joyful and enjoy a good life. What do I need to buy? What book can I read? Who can tell me how to live the life I know we all deserve to live. What therapy can we find for our son? Who will teach us this new way of BEing and open a door to the life we were dreaming of? Frustration took over as the search always ended without answers to my questions, often creating more questions in the process. I found bread crumbs to happiness but it wasn’t happening fast enough and it felt like so much work, too much work for a girl as weary as I but I persevered. Any nugget of information was placed in my arsenal, forging this new path yet I continued looking for another outside of myself to show me the way. A decade later, I am out of depression, living a life that is incredibly happy the majority of the time minus those usual human times which I now embrace because I know I can shift how I feel at any moment and life has become amazing.
Last Thursday, (I know the exact moment it hit me) I sat in a moment of clarity as I recognized, the person I was looking for all along was me. I marveled at the brilliance in that moment, (time stood still) why did I not see this before? It is that way for all of us! We all do our best to look for others to make us happy so we can be happy. We desire a happy life to show up and then we can be happy. Many believe a drug, another person, spouse or partner, purchasing something new or drinking alcohol will make them feel better and happy when all along all they needed ever, was within. It is true, finding someone or something else will feel good for a while, those moments are fleeting which is why so many are always onto the next and the next and the next.
We are the ones we have been waiting for, I have heard this so many times before from others yet I still believed someone else HAD to show me the way, certainly, I was not qualified to help myself. Our answers come when we are ready to hear, fine-tuning, sharpening our knowledge within and we will not “get it” until WE do the work for ourselves.
We have the innate ability to create the happiness we long for but it is an inside job. You, your authentic self is waiting for you, within to guide you. When “you” in this physical body come into alignment or merge with your soul, the larger part of “YOU”, you will find bliss beyond what anything in this physicality can provide and we all have the ability to do this for ourselves.
It is time to feel empowered, it is time to tune into your inner wisdom, it is time to stop handing over your power, your life to others. You get to choose who you become. My LOVE, Tracie